Fantasy foozball season is back. We have sum heavy hittahs up in here so I'mma do my best to distinguish who is great and who sux bassed off early season form.
POWA RANKIN'
THE BAD
Let us begin by taking a look at the worst of the worst. If you take an objective look at the people who fall into this category you might ask yourself, Do these people even watch football? Did they even show up for the draft? Are they on the spectrum? The answers will be mixed but you can answer yes to at least one of these questions for each person listed below.
The 0-2 LOSERS
Kelan Vogel
Now I can't be too harsh on Kelan. He has accumulated the most points out of these losers but saying you're the best of this bunch is akin to being the tallest midget. At the end of the day, Kelan is still a midget.
His heaviest hittah is CJ Andersen. He might be wise to try and make a trade and get rid of his last tie to Colorado behind. You moved back to the east coast, the days of weed shops and mountain climbing are behind you. Get over it.
Matthew "The Commish" Laubach
Matthew has had the unfortunate situation of going up against the newcomer Amber as well as raining champ Conpiece. But in the end he is still a loser. It is baffling to me how his team is doing so poorly. He had all the tools at his disposal and watched hardknocks right before we drafted. He should have been in the game. But alas, his move back to the bay might have clouded his judgement.
Spencer Ware is Mathew's heaviest hitta but he went the suspension and hurt route. I expect matthew to bounce back from this humiliating start.
Alex Murpiece
What can i say about Murpiece. The fool has gone to so many weddings recently that football has taken a backseat in his life. He autodrafted and it has shown. He has looked absolutely pitiful.
He has an ok team but when you start hurt TE's ur gonna have a bad time.
RCW
What is there even to say about this kid. He's going to be richer than all of us but he would have been better suited using that $50 to soak up the homeless person piss that I'm sure is sitting in a pool on his front porch.
THE 1-1 Mediocre
Conpiece
The reigning champ tops our list of the middle of the pack. His first week loss to the Cran was a heart breaker but we can't sleep on the kid. He has won the last two years. He has also gone thru a major move and is now doing w.e they do back in the bay so his mind might not have been in it. He also only was able to steal one beer from his parent's house for the draft "party" so his relatively uncommon semi sober state might have led him to make poor draft choices.
Derrick CARR is his heaviest hittah and if he had any form of RB production he would be a force to be reckoned with. Let's just hope he keeps pressing on with his dreaded has been duo.
Amber
The newcommer is doing relatively well in her first season to fantasy football. She did her homework before the draft and it has shown. I don't know her so there isn't anything snarky I can really say.
Her heaviest HITTA has been A rodge, who used to bang dudes when he was in college, so for that I hate her
BIG RED
Newlywed Ryan McCarthey falls into the bottom half of this category even tho he was trying to pop hella good shit constantly. A .9 loss to me last week sealed it for him. Don't sleep on that Vikings Defense dude.
His HEAVIEST HITTA has been Willie Sneadpiece. And Ryan wishes Tom Brady would let him blow him so he's a fukboi
MARC SABINO
Marc went big drafting AP and now that LOL worthy, but how could you fault him. With a jorb change and his dreams of being a hella sick hot bay boi were in jeopardy when he had to switch jorbs so he prolly was worried about less important things than fantasy.
His heaviest Hitta is Cam Newton, who is a disgrace to the NFL. How dare a black QB not be humble and just ecstatic that some white guy gave him a job. Overall Marc's team looks b4d tho.
THE CREAM OF THE CROP 2-2
Whiffpiece
I am leading the pack here. I'm not sure what the reason is. Maybe it was uncanny football intuition and IQ. Maybe the stars alligned. Maybe it's my desire to win. But I am the best at fantasy football through two weeks.
My heaviest Hitta is D'angelo Williams but that could all change when bell comes back from suspension
JDG
"I'm with her" is JDGs personal slogan. And that makes him a terrible souless cuck. If we look past his cuckness he has been fairly good at fantasy football these first two weeks. He was crying about the conference breakdown so that's another chop.
His heaviest HITTA has been andrew luck and his team looks p solid all around. Keep an eye on the dumb cuck come playoff time
CRAN
Cran is a pretty good amateur baseball player and I will nvr be able to get the image of his alcoholic italian ice blue stained lips out of my head for as long as I live but he has squeaked by some wins.
His heaviest HITTA has been Carson Palmer but the rest of his team does not look that scary so far. Let's see if he can continue to push for eternal glory.
Sandy
Andy finishes up our list of no loss players. He has survived by the skin of his teeth, but hey a W's a W. His long roadtrip durring this week might affect his ability to remember to set his linup so we will see if his streak continues. I'm sure kratom getitng scheduled by the DEA has his mind elsewhere though.
His heaviest hitta is rivers. The rest of his team looks pretty anemic though.
*intercategorical rankings measured by total points. Average margin of victory might be a better metric tho idik.
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This American Life's war reporting, part I
